#why is everything going wrong today
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got lost looking for the hotel, finally found it, its 3.30pm, check in is from 3pm, my room isn't ready help
#why is everything going wrong today#I'm in more pain now from walking and the heat is getting to me lmao#sorry I'm complaining so much I'm v lonely lmao#also like. ready to shut down i think#really need to force myself to speak when I'm checking in or paying for stuff#like. idk why I'm struggling to actually speak out loud#I'm so hungry and tired gonna get ready find somewhere to eat and go i think#i can't wait to go home lmao
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JuHaaaHUUAAAGHH *dies*
#why is everything going wrong today#i'm gonna have a little cry session in the corner#i really just wanna be 9 again#my stuff
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nvr needed a slime tutorial more than tn bc apparently the curtis dinner table broke before ritfr and brent and jason improved as their characters w jason hysterically laughing as brent tried to fix the table sarcastically saying “yeah just stay there i can fix it myself” like they know their characters so well bc tht is actually how darry and soda would respond imo
this is soo wild they’re so good esp with the already high tension from the scene. the laughing!!!? did jason act all guilty after or did he just brush it off?? was it broken the whole show or did they fix it?? bro i could literally make a whole fic outta this this is nauseating
#asks#pissy darry curtis you’re so famous and real to me#brent <3#like did they leave it broken for 2 weeks bc they had bigger problems or#did darry fix it himself bc he needed to keep his mind off of shit#ugh#curtis bros vs kitchen table….#also why is everything that could go wrong in that theatre going wrong today lmfaooo#it’s the theatre fighting back against josh leaving actually
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₊‧° 𝓣𝓸𝓭𝓪𝔂, 𝓘 𝓪𝓶 𝓖♡𝓭 °‧₊
𝒯𝑜𝓂𝑜𝓇𝓇𝑜𝓌… 𝓌𝒽𝑜 𝓀𝓃𝑜𝓌𝓈?
#jirai kei#landmine kei#jirai onna#dark girly kei#my.jpg#j fashion#tw vent in tags#went to the mall to take some photos today#I’m in a weird mood today#I just want the day to be over#my bf is out of town and my anxiety has gotten so bad that im just hoping I fall asleep soon#im so overwhelmed#im so stressed#for no reason even#like nothing is wrong everything is okay today was good#so why am I crying???#I think I’m just permanently stressed and anxious now I think I broke myself or something#but he’ll be back on Friday#so I just have to try to breathe real deep and go to bed#I hope my cats snuggle with me they aren’t in the bedroom right now#usually Loki would be here by now /:
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i feel like i was actually doing good n felt human for a bit n now ive dramatically fallen so far back
#rip my toothbrushing streak#i was doing so well i had lost count of the days it was just normal#&& now everyday i just Lay here .... even when i do it i still feel deeply unclean#i just feel gross all over mentally n physically#i am Unclean#&& i am lost#everything is fine and then i Remember#not even a memory just a feeling. the shame. the fear. the Dread#and it feels like everything is tainted#why cant i just b put into storage n sanitized#every inch#my outside body n my organs n my thoughts n feelings Everything#i am just Heavy n anxious#i can feel the sludge#trying so hard to sleep but i just keep rolling n rolling my body feels Wrong#theres nothing i can even do i just have to keep ignoring it n hoping itll go away#the more attention i give it the more ill fall#but i am just so tired o(-<#at least mayb if i get high i can sleep#i hope no one wakes me up today
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whats the weirdest thing you’ve ever normalised
i wanted to try to find something a bit lighter to say but there's genuinely nothing light in anything weird that i have normalised, SO.
i guess the weirdest thing i have normalised is exclusion, like actively excluding people and being very open about it. i wasn't the one doing that, it was done to me in middle school and that was part of the bullying i was subjected to, tho the adults (especially the teachers) were the ones who made me normalise it and bullying in general, because they constantly repeated to me like on a daily basis that bullying didn't exist and neither did exclusion, and therefore of course A 12 YEARS OLD IS GOING TO NORMALISE THAT
#to this day i still have trouble accepting that those were the things happening to me#the weird thing is that when i saw it happening to others i knew it was wrong and it wasn't normal#but i was incapable of saying that to myself#like i blamed myself a lot and the adults around me at school made sure i did that#(it was done to many other kids getting bullied in that school not just me)#and that was because they didn't want a bad reputation and because at the time there wasn't a law against bullying#and also because the parents of the group of bullies were friends with the headmaster who was also the head of my class and my teacher#i don't wanna go deeper into details about the other things that used to happen to me and what it has done to my mental health#but today as an adult i wholeheartedly blame the adults more than the bullies#and i'm very much angrier towards them than towards those who did those things to me#because those were adults they were teachers and they had to protect me#as they had to protect many others in that school#but they didn't even try#and i hope that one day i will get to meet the headmaster again just to tell him everything i think of him and how much of a shitty teacher#and person he is#also because i know that many people had to go to therapy because of the way he handled bullies and bullying#he ruined so many young people when he was supposed to help them#just to make you understand the person he was (and is) i remember one time when i was 12 when he checked on me asking me how things were#and i said that i did not care if they did something to me but i did not want them to target my brother with fatphobic jokes#and he looked at me (a 12 years old he was in his 40s/50s) dead in the eye and said “your brother is old enough to defend himself”#my brother was 13#this teacher was the headmaster#not gonna reread the tags and the post because this triggers me a bit BUT THANK YOU FOR THE QUESTION!!!#just a reminder that it is never alright to normalise these things#if i made any typo you know why mwah#asks#bullying tw#tw bullying
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Thinking about the Clive and Bill parallels again...
Both started with pretty average goals (gaining money / getting closure). Both became obsessed with said goals to the point of going through with their plans no matter the cost. Both became consumed by the desire to pursue a goal that isn't actually achievable (You can get more money but it will never feel like it's enough. You can lash out in anger but it won't make the anger go away). Both ended up killing innocents.
And yet.
Bill getting rid of his humanity in the hopes of getting money. Clive getting rid of his money in the hopes of getting his humanity back. Bill claiming he despises people like Clive when he has himself killed innocents for his own selfish plans. Clive claiming he hates politicians and scientists but still using science to build a mecha and politics to justify its use. Bill hiding everything, hiding from Claire that the machine isn't ready, hiding his crime from everyone. Clive exposing everything, exposing his secret base to Layton, exposing Bill and Dimitri's crime by his staging. Bill covering up the incident while Clive broadcasted his crime inside the fortress.
I don't know where I was going with this. Maybe that prime minister Bill looks like a honest citizen, just your regular Londoner really, while Clive is so obviously violent and destructive : and yet, Clive is the dove and Bill the hawk. Funny.
#In today's episode of 'Syl states the obvious' LOL#But yeah basically looks can be deceiving for them both I guess =)#This is once again a very simplified version. Hence why I don't go into too many details#Like Bill losing his humanity is the very moment he decided the risk was worth it. It's not even the explosion itself#Clive doesn't feel like a human because he's so alienated. He's ready to kill people. But he's hoping to get saved. Wrong actions ofc#It's actually so very important to me that Clive goes to jail but we aren't told a thing about Bill. Bill keeps everything a secret#Dimitri also has parallels with both. One day I'll write a good detailed analysis about these 3#clive dove#bill hawks#professor layton and the unwound future#professor layton and the lost future#unwound future spoilers#lost future spoilers#my analysis#This goes without saying but they're both assholes btw. Idc about the actual goals or characters they're both in the wrong and messed up
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*hitting head on wall*
I'm still an artist
I'm still an artist
I'm still an artist
I'm still an artist
It's ok that I can't always draw
It's ok that I burn out quickly
It's ok that I can't remember to finish things
I'm still an artist
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Theneras finally made it to Inner Demons (and the Lucanis romance lock-in immediately afterwards) last night \o/ Neras and Lucanis both have so many hang-ups when it comes to family, it's so fun forcing them to confront their issues >:3c
#Theneras de Riva#Rook de Riva#I'm probably going to replay the mission again today now that I'm more awake so I can think more about it and take more notes#The Lucanis-Illario dynamic vs the Neras-Viago dynamic meant that Neras was so goddamn pissed at everything not!Illario had to say#which really meant he was heartbroken that Lucanis would think that Illario would say those things. That's your brother!#he's a shithead but he's supposed to have your back asdfjasfjksgja#Now the Caterina Situation. well. that's something that is both too familiar and way goddamn out of Neras' pay range#he's not sure how to feel about that but mostly it's Bad it's Really Bad#he wants to put it in a box and not touch it like he does with the other family stuff of that particular flavour-#(why don't you love me the way I am why aren't I enough for you there must be something wrong with me)#but like......he cares So Much for Lucanis he can't do that this time so rip boyo#looks like it's self-reflection through the examination of another time 🥰👍#anyways I've yapped So Much so this is where I disappear a little embarrassed but also I love my bird son#veilguard spoilers#veilguard#also Neras looked so good throughout this entire mission I am showing so much restraint only posting 4 screenshots
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Something I need people to understand (and am Afraid they will not get) is that when you look at my account and posts it's not always me, Yahweh quite literally made a post yesterday asking for a boyfriend. (privates now) And I havent been around in months!
So yeah, I havent made half the posts here
-Lucifer 🪽
#FUCK#Fuck I almost Just misspelled the outro thing as X instead of x#Why must everything go wrong today#system#plural#memes#funny#system memes#plural memes#relatable#system sillies#I hereaby hate the word silly#yes#i definitely notice some *distinct* speech patterns#..in us#Ever heard an Angel curse? well now you have#bitch.
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well, after a little break, we picked up our naruto rewatch again with the beginning of season 10 (it’s so good. SO GOOD), and since all i want to do is sit here and talk about how good it is, i figured i’d try to do that while simultaneously catching up on some overdue fandom correspondence.
when i was watching last night, i kept thinking back to a conversation i'd been having with @professor-of-naruto after they sent me an ask about how naruto started off as an ensemble show and then became solely “the naruto show,” and i STILL owe them a full response about that, but i’m going to consider this post my attempt to talk a little about it, because season 10 is simultaneously one of the best examples of “ensemble show” that naruto ever pulls off AND the scene of one of the most frustrating crimes of “the naruto show” that it ever commits (in my opinion; your mileage may vary).
but before it reaches that frustrating point - season 10 is unbelievably well-constructed! EVERYBODY is doing something important and relevant to their character arcs, and the plot is moving fast, and the world is expanding in fascinating ways:
first of all, there’s the fact that the season starts off with young ninja from a totally different village, all of whom are deeply concerned about their missing teacher, and then shows us their confrontation with team 7 and later naruto himself - instantly expanding the world and humanizing the leaf’s [former] enemies and forcing the audience to widen their perspective and confront the idea that ‘hang on, people in other villages are just like people in the leaf; they care about their friends and families and comrades the same way; and HMM, what sasuke did to bee was really bad actually; is it fair to expect other nations to just sit around and accept it; would we expect one of our favorite characters from the leaf to do the same”
the political tension created in the first episode by tsunade’s absence and danzo being named hokage creates a compelling new dynamic where the leaf is being “led” (ruled) by someone who doesn’t have the confidence of the people or the support of the jonin assembly, which then forces kakashi to start making hokage-level decisions covertly (aka taking down the foundation agents sent to spy on naruto, openly instructing a subordinate to lie to the hokage, smuggling the nine-tails out of the village, engaging in diplomatic relations with a foreign kage), which dynamic continues to escalate when danzo loses the trust of the other kage and said other kage decide that kakashi should act as the leaf’s representative, which later, despite tsunade’s recovery, is a dynamic that continues to push and and foreshadow throughout the war to the eventual conclusion of kakashi actually becoming hokage at the end of the story.
SAI’S ARC. how he witnesses naruto taking that beating from karui; how the editing later cuts from naruto crying at the raikage’s feet to sai sitting in the forest thinking about naruto telling him to “stay out of this,” and his decision of “no. i can’t just sit still, either,” and how he then goes straight to sakura to tell her that he still doesn’t know team 7 all that well and he’s not very good with emotions, but he does know that that naruto’s been suffering, and that they’ve all been relying on naruto too much, and that he doesn’t know what promise naruto made to her, but “it’s really no different than what was done to me. it’s like a curse mark.” how he tells her that he doesn’t think it’s right that sasuke has caused naruto and sakura so much suffering, and he’s not going to sit silently by and let it continue -
and how that then PERFECTLY intertwines with the konoha 12 discussing the situation, and shikamaru - newly matured shikamaru, shikamaru who took down an akatsuki member, shikamaru who lost asuma, shikamaru who used to be so lazy, shikamaru who used to be so allergic to responsibility - entering the tent and agreeing with sai and saying that they’re not kids anymore. they have to act. they can’t let sasuke start a war between nations...so many people will die...him asking for sakura’s consent -
and how THAT perfectly dovetails into sakura’s arc - her ENORMOUS decision, which none of them are even aware of yet - when she says she wants to be the one to tell naruto that they’ve decided they can’t protect sasuke anymore, but what she’s really decided is that SHE IS GOING TO KILL SASUKE HERSELF, because she’s the one who put naruto in this position by asking him to promise to bring sasuke back, and she can’t stand to make him suffer anymore, so she’s going to take the burden off his shoulders and suffer herself instead -
and MEANWHILE
this is happening against the backdrop of naruto’s petition to the raikage, which is a) the set-up for the raikage’s eventually decision to let naruto join the war many seasons later, b) the set-up for the raikage voicing his support for kakashi as hokage after danzo flees the summit, and c) the visual parallel for us between sai and sakura discussing naruto’s suffering and us simultaneously seeing him down on his knees, crying in the snow
and THIS is all happening against the larger backdrop of the five kage summit, where we’re introduced to MORE characters from an even WIDER world, and each kage and their attendants have their own unique personalities and we’re once again thrust into this new perspective of being asked to humanize and care about previously unknown entities who have always been considered potential antagonists, if not outright enemies
and the five kage summit brings back gaara and our old friends from the sand, which is important not just for the way it highlights the difference between new and old ways of thinking/generational changes, but because whoops, suddenly sasuke is crashing the five kage summit, and as soon as gaara hears about this, he leaves the summit room and goes to confront sasuke and tries to HELP, in his own way, which is brilliant and so effective on a storytelling level because gaara fought sasuke during the chuunin exams, and back then gaara was the one who was out of his mind with rage and pain, and now their positions are reversed, and gaara wants to save sasuke from that same fate, not just because it’s what naruto would want, but because gaara himself was saved in much the same way
but unfortunately gaara is butting up against the lowest point of sasuke’s arc, as sasuke tips over into something truly disastrous, and his descent is (magnificently! deftly!) illustrated NOT through his behavior towards danzo (which is never depicted as unjustified) but through his behavior towards TAKA, who notice that he’s not acting like himself (suigetsu: “gee, and this is the guy who kept telling ME not kill anybody?”) and whom he then systematically, one by one, abandons, betrays, or outright sacrifices in the service of his goal, when all they’ve ever done is aid and protect him.
in other words: the worst thing sasuke does, in this story’s eyes, isn’t breaking the law; it’s abandoning his comrades. his lowest point in the narrative isn’t communicated to us by his rebellion against authority, but by his betrayal of his friends. SOMEHOW THIS SOUNDS THEMATICALLY FAMILIAR -
this betrayal then flows seamlessly into new character development for the taka crew - for suigetsu and juugo, whom sasuke abandons to die or rot in prison, and for karin, who finally sees firsthand that sasuke is using her and that he doesn’t care whether she lives or dies as long as he gets what he wants - which turn of events pushes karin into the arms of the leaf, where she’s technically a prisoner, but where she’s still healed by sakura and carried by kakashi, and where she comments internally on how everyone’s chakra, even that of her cell guards, is so warm and different from sasuke’s... (i’m frothing at the mouth here at how well all of this with taka was set up and how it just falls apart later aGUGHHHHHH)
and these are hardly the only things going on in this season - i didn’t even touch upon the way kakashi and yamato are told the truth about itachi (this was something!!!!! it needed to be something!!!!!), or even the brief confrontation between “madara” and yamato, because when obito first pops up on naruto’s windowsill, it’s yamato who strikes first, and yamato who says “you’re in my territory now,” and obito just laughs at him, and i cannot handle how well this sets up him being captured, interrogated, and used by obito later (if the story CARED enough to CARE about it, i mean; i just - !!!)
this is all i mean when i say that naruto is at its best when it’s an ensemble show. all of this happens in just the first six episodes, but every single character who appears has something important going on in their own story. everything that they do connects to something else, and every move they make affects the plot. every time someone appears on screen, you care about what’s happening with them - because something IS happening with them! everything is intertwined, and all of it matters. this season is woven together so well - it’s hard to stop watching.
that isn’t always the case later, though. after naruto appears on the scene of the sasuke/team 7 confrontation (aka the point where the show attempts to make a “naruto is and has always been Everything” retcon that i will never forgive them for), the story starts leaning harder into the “naruto is the only one who can save sasuke and oh yeah do everything else too” message, which is eternally frustrating to me, because the original message of the story was always “teamwork is more important than anything. all of us are necessary to succeed.” itachi literally chides naruto, “you can’t do everything on your own. never forget your friends,” but then the show keeps creating situations where only naruto can Do the Thing and the other characters’ sole purposes are to sit back and monologue about how amazing he is.
i understand that this is a silly thing to complain about when the story is in fact titled “naruto,” but i do still feel frustrated about it sometimes, because i think an approach like this makes for a weaker story. there ARE ways to tell a naruto-centric story and have it be incredible - eg, the pain arc is all-naruto, all the time, and i have zero complaints about it, because everything naruto is able to do in that arc makes sense and is completely appropriate for who he is and what his strengths are. he should be able to use sage mode and toad summons - those are powerful inheritances from his own teaching lineage that he worked incredibly hard to master. he should be able to resist the nine-tails transformation - he has help from his own father’s spirit, as well as a lifetime of experience living as a jinchuuriki. and - crucially - he should be able to save the day in the end, not because he’s a super skilled ninja with godlike powers, but because he’s able to compassionately connect with nagato on a personal level and lead him back to the light.
that is naruto’s true power. it’s not about him being the strongest fighter, or the smartest strategist, or the most skilled shinobi in history. his special ability is precisely what kakashi called a “remarkable gift” in season one: “[naruto] doesn’t need much time, or many words, to make friends with everyone he meets.”
that’s why i think the pain arc is an example of “naruto-centric” done right, and that’s why i love how war arc!naruto is able to befriend kurama/the other tailed beasts and use the nine-tails’ power. those things are so, so appropriate for who he is and where his strengths lie. but there are other points in the story where naruto is showcased for things that don’t make as much sense or haven’t been earned (as an isolated example, the six-paths magical powers stuff was too much for me) or where he’s highlighted at other characters’ expenses (what happens to all those amazing intertwining arcs of season 10 by the time we hit the end of the story? why do so many of them falter or disappear?)
it’s not enough to make me dislike the back half of the show - i love it right up until the last episode, my frustration with the ending notwithstanding. but i do think the shift in focus from “ensemble show” to “one-man band” becomes a bit more dramatic after S10, and the overall story after that point is much weaker than it could have been (even though i still think that a lot of what it achieves is amazing).
#long post#naruto#pan watches naruto#(again)#the post i linked is obviously old from when i was watching it the first time#and my fears about the 'reanimating dead characters' part that i typed up back then did end up being mostly assuaged#(eg i was afraid that bringing back itachi would cheapen the impact of his original death but)#(that whole arc with sasuke and itachi and kabuto became one of my absolute favorites)#(and itachi's last scene is the absolute CRUX moment for sasuke's development so)#(i'm happy to have been proven wrong on that front)#but the stuff i wrote about the story becoming less ensemble-focused is still pretty much how i feel today#again it's not something that makes me enjoy it less#everything is so well set-up that it's not difficult for my mind to fill in the blanks#but it being so well set-up also makes you go like - 'WHY? YOU HAD IT! IT WAS RIGHT THERE! WHAT HAPPENED?'#ah well#i still love this show a lot
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Maniacal laughter. The universe hates me and wants me off the road so bad. Like. I fail a driving test in the stupidest way possible. The next time I can reschedule is two months from then. Mother can't take me to it so I have to arrange for Dad to be able to drive to her work and pick up the car then take me to the test itself. It's one day before my new test. The driving I instructor isn't available anymore and they reschedule me. The date I've been rescheduled to is when I'm away on holiday. I have to rebook it for another two months away. Two months pass and I finally got to do my test. I adventure around mothers workplace (blocked off by a ton of construction work) and eventually find her, acquire the keys and drive back to where the test is being done. We get there. We wait for the test to start. To begin we check the road safety of the car. The front left indicator isn't working. Can't do the test. Don't get a refund. Have to find an available spot to book back in, another few months away except I'm moving to uni in two weeks and we're going on holiday during the first break and at this rate I am never ever going to be legally allowed to drive.
#imagine during all of this that any time a test approaches my anxiety spikes through the roof up and down as i try to calm myself and fail#why is this my life#feels like everything that could possibly go wrong and complicate things has gone wrong and complicated things#screaming and crying into the void today was just another exercise in pointless stress and unfathomable anxiety for events which never occur
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me, the symptoms experiencer, experiencing symptoms: wow gee i wonder what the fuck is happening right now i have no context for why i could possibly feel bad, surely i'm not experiencing symptoms. me, when i figure out it's the symptoms:
#gif warning#medical stuff#man getting labled as a hypochondriac at a formative age (any) was a hell of a kick to the balls#i don't even have those#and yet#me when i've been told all my symptoms can't be real and that i was makign it up for attention so i started just not talking about them#even though in private without anyone around i was still experiencing the symptoms i decided i just Wasn't#because why would my parents be wrong about that - they loved me right?#so if something was concerning they'd be worried if it was a real thing - i wasn't making it up but maybe i was#no one should have taught my father the term psychosomatic#he's the reason it's had to go up on the shelf#mom flat out telling me it was impossible that [redacted] because i was quote ''too young'' for it to be happening#so now i'm old and it's a Real Big Fucking Deal I guess#i'm experiencing the flare/crash i was anticipating and - thank fuck - my brain isn't going down the tubes with it#which is a fucking miracle because this is the lead up to my period and *normally* that's when the PMDD hits real fucking bad#but in a stroke of luck (???) my body decided it was just going to smash itself into the ground Krillin-style#and as i lay here in the crater of my own body's making i'm just like. well at least i don't want to die#which is truly the most throwing thing of everything actually#anyway....#got hEDS put on my medical file for reals though so like#that's in there#that exists#also the look of HORROR on the nurse tech's face when i showed how much distance my hips spread *every month* for my period#i'm LITERALLY going into labor monthly and i've been doing that since i was 11#no fucking WONDER my body has collapsed out from under me if we even just go by that fucking metric like godDAMN#ugh anyway.... i'm. this was NOT the stuff i wanted to focus on this year for personal growth and healing but we're doing it now i guess!#fuck! goddamn! piss in a cup#i have also... failed to do the task i was meant to today and technically there's still time but it's uh. i. i'm gonna need to ask for help#and i HATE asking for help especiallywhen i need it most#another thing my parents have to answer for when they greet whatever judge they find at the end of their lives
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i found loads of pictures of my uncle i am going 2 cry
#he looked so sweet…..he looks SO much like my dad#i found the last picture of him that my granddad took a month or so before he died it’s so sad#trying to decide if i should tell my mum that i know about him or if i should just keep it to myself#idk if somethings wrong with me maybe it’s because i was already grieving before i found out#but it’s really getting 2 me i can’t concentrate on my uni shit i just keep thinking about it#i think i rlly need to talk about it with someone but i have no idea who or how or what i’d say. but it’s weird because it’s a secret yk#like i’m not even supposed to know he existed#idk. i have a gender clinic appointment next week and i’m going to ask if they can recommend any therapists#me being very very brave and trying therapy again after being forced into it my whole life and ending up a bit traumatised#idk. i feel bad that i’m alive and i’m wasting my life when my uncle got killed when he was just a kid#it makes me feel like i should be more grateful and do more with myself.#and i am going to try but i’d rather he was here instead. same with my granddad#every time i experience something beautiful or good i wish my granddad could experience it because he deserved it more than me#and the best i can do is experience it for him and be grateful. but i would chance places instantly if i could#him and his kid deserve to be here they were so special. i know i don’t know his kid but i’ve heard they were similar#so i know he must have been special too#i found a fb comment today from a family friend i’ve never met and she was saying that she only met my granddad once#but she called him gentle and it made me cry. because he was very scottish and sweary and traditional and masculine#so everyone just assumed he was tough and scary but if you knew him he was really quiet and kind#and i’m glad someone who only met him once could see that#i’m going to be half asleep for the rest of my life i think. i’ve been dreaming since my granddad died and i don’t feel like i ever woke up#nothing has felt real since i was nine years old. everything just stopped and never started again#i’ve just been waiting. i’m waiting for him to change his mind and come back. idk. i don’t know what to do with myself#and i continuously feel fucking insane and stupid for being this way. it’s like fresh grief all the fucking time#but it was fifteen years ago. why does it still feel this way#i can’t even tell people because they won’t understand why i’m still so bothered by it#he was my parent for nine years. i lived with him he was my sole caretaker#i was nonverbal and him and my brother were the only people on the planet who knew what my voice sounded like#he’d think it was silly if i failed my exam because i was crying about him instead#he’d tell me to whisht and stick in. so i will
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Im developing trust issues from that AP math exam..
#i love math but somehow i always end up arguing with the math teacher abt the formulas and it stresses me out when i know something is wrong#yet everyone reassures me that nothing is wrong and maybe i was calculating it incorrectly#then i start to think maybe they're right#i tell my friend showing her why i was certain something isnt adding up and she pointed it out to the teacher#only then she realised some WAS ACTUALLY WRONG#and that was from a random class lesson months ago#during the exam today i found a question where there's oddly no answer#i checked double checked triple checked even drawing it to make sure that i was doing everything right#i asked the teacher supervising our exam if there was an answer to the question#he texted the math teacher and she said there was an answer and to recheck my calculations#at this point there was still half an hour left in the exam so i sat there redoing my calculations over and over again#started tweaking ngl#i asked my friend afterwards and she said that she got everything right#but what about that question without an answer???#she shows me how she did it and i realised the formula she was using was for clockwise rotations (the question was looking for counterclockw#idk whats going on but now i have trust issues everytime i do math in school#excuse my math vent
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mmmmm heyyy👁️. ive basically been gone from tumblr for over two days because ive been feeling like a shitty piece of shit. BUT. i finally saw dune part 2 and ohmygoddddd it was so so good. but yes. i was missing leto so bad the entire time. Father come back pls. i need you.
#it was so good tho#like so cool i was internally freaking out about how cool things looked#the fight scenes🤌#the environments/settings🤌#all of the fuckin machinery🤌#the acting🤌#the everything🤌#yum#also i dont find austin butler attractive but funnily enough feyd was the only time ive found him hot😭 yes i have issues. but like. okayyy..#i watched it alone and i wish doing things alone wasnt seen as such a weird or sad thing like. theres nothing wrong with it#sorta vent->#but basically ive been feeling like an annoying piece of shit so ive been staying off of here for the most part#because ive been convincing myself no one likes me and everyone in my life would be better off without me😝😝#just tee bee ehch#and idk i was just feeling like ass and was doing nothing and when i finally would go to use tumblr i was already too tired to do shit#so i just went to sleep#and i was busy today#yesterday*#and ill probably be a bit busy today too but idk maybe hopefully ill catch up a bit#idk ya boys just been hating himself like usual but not as usual bc it was worse but it is what it is#i felt a bit better yesterday though#and also my new antidepressants ive been on havent been doing shit for me so im going back to a previous one i used to be on so yea#hopefully that helps soonish idk#i never vent on here so i feel kinda bad for doing so but i just wanted to puke my thoughts here#also since im already here complaining ive just like. not written at allllllll basically like i got into my head and made myself discouraged#so. that sucks. but also nothing out of the ordinary there#why does Everything i say sound so embarrassingly depressing and pathetic hhhhhhhgggggggggggggghhhghghg#anyways yea i was doing bad im still not doing good but hopefully will be a bit better so ill be back and caught up later today or tomorrow#idk if anyone gave a fuck or noticed but i just like complaining into the void so yea#talkin shit
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